Spend any amount of time on a dating site and it quickly becomes obvious that despite the numerous instructions to be original and stand out, most women tend to write the exact same things. The trouble with this girls, is that while you type and read one thing, guys see another so never averse to helping out the fairer sex, here’s a few quick translations for you.
I want to be treated like a princess
Translation: I don’t want to pay for anything. This is perhaps one of the worst things you can write. Nobody likes a cheapskate and when we hear the word, ‘princess’ we’re either thinking of mushrooms, Posh or inherited privilege. If you mean the first that’s cool because we’re all for dressing up like an Italian plumber and saving the day, but no one wants to go out with Victoria Beckham and royalty is many things but sexy aint one of them. Jokes aside, most of us are pretty up for equality in all its forms and this extends to the pub ergo when it’s your round, it’d be nice if you acted like it and got the drinks in.
No time-wasters plz
Aside from the irritating use of single thumb dyslexia, you think any man defines himself as such? More to the point, if he’s gotten to the stage where he’s on a dating site do you really think he’s in the mood for games either?
If you wanna know, just ask
It’s bad enough that in real life it’s up to us to make every first move in the world as it is – half the attraction of dating sites for the guys that use them is that it’s a two way street and yet, when this half-arsed phrase pops up it’s usually because there’s no profile to speak of. If you can’t be bothered writing about yourself, exactly how interesting do you think you appear? As often as not, this is coupled with the following as well.
Don’t judge me on my looks
Well if you’ve got ten photos and no text, what do you expect? When all we’ve got to go on is the way you look why bite the hand that wants to touch you?
My interests include shopping…
Whilst we take that as more or less a given, it’s not something we want to read. ‘I like shopping’ means ‘I like to spend money’ and since odds are you’ve coupled it with the princess line, we’re immediately thinking about you spending OUR money. This isn’t to say we’re not up for buying you things because when we like someone it often brings us a lot of pleasure buying them gifts. But when you specifically ask for them, the magic’s gone. There’s no surprise, no spontaneity.
I need a guy that makes me laugh
Again, this is a given and you’re not really helping anyone out here. Almost no one on the face of the planet, man or woman considers themselves unfunny. As a result, every guy that reads that thinks you’re looking for him. Try specifying what sort of humour you’re after such as sarcasm, risqué or bestiality related blunders. That’ll narrow the field.
I’m a geek!
Odds are if you’ve written it like this, you’re not. The wearing of glasses and fake freckles every now and again on a Saturday night doesn’t make you a geek any more than owning a microwave makes you Gordon Ramsay. Do you know the different classes on WoW? Have you read LotR more than once? Do you always play as FemShep? Are you struggling with those abbreviations? Geeks do have a certain attraction but odds are if you were a real geek, it’d show in your writing absent a flat-out statement. Nine times out of ten when a girl writes this what we see is, ‘I’ll do anything to be popular.’
Once you get through my shell…
Okay, first of all, wasn’t this our line fifteen years ago and weren’t we forced to discontinue it because we sounded like pricks? On the outside you’re a cold bitch but on the inside you’re a shy and soft girl who just wants to snuggle on the sofa in front of the TV, something like that? Well we like TV too but why make us fight to get through to a truth which pretty much applies to everyone? And if your answer to that is,
I’ve been hurt before
We don’t want to know. You sound needy and pathetic. You’re not alone; we’ve all been hurt before but you’re trying to advertise yourself as an attractive person, remember?
Translation: I don’t know what Carpe Diem means. Yeah, so it’s snobbish but if you’re going to base your personality around internet memes then you’re going to get a fair bit of it.
I’m a Sagittarius
Or any astrological sign, really. The key to this one is realising that despite the fact a lot of dating sites ask you for this little titbit, no man on Earth gives a shit. The positioning of celestial bodies hundreds of light years away at the time of your birth is about as interesting to us as your shoe collection. What’s more the fact that you think it makes a difference in your life does nothing but mark you out as mental. You’re seriously going to judge the potential of a relationship with someone you don’t know based on what month they get the most presents in?
I’m crazy/mental/a character!
Translation: you’re annoying. Like professing to be a geek, if you really are a ‘character’ (and seriously, this does not mean ‘interesting’, ‘fun’ or any other positive adjective) it’ll show in your profile.